Friendship

Friend ship is hard. I see my child struggle to fit in and make friends. I see how much he just wants someone to play with but his 'differentness' stands in the way. He tries to fit in but often the people he wants to play with have other people they'd rather play with or his size and strength turn them away. He has troubles seeing the difference between his actions being a game vs being a bug.

I can empathize with his struggle.

I struggle too. I wonder why I have to work so hard to have a friend. I used to have a bunch of friends a a teen and young adult but as they all got married, somehow we stopped being friends. I would put myself out there, and I felt like I was begging these people to spend time with me again but they still didn't really want to.

Loneliness can eat away at you and grow into something unhealthy, it makes you question yourself, it makes you put up walls to protect your heart.

It gets to the point where you stop trying and begging the people you thought were your friends to spend time with you as the rejection hurts.

I understand people grow apart.

I struggle even more because of my faith and my morals. I don't fit in with my coworkers.  Being someone who tries to live by what she feels is right in God's eye in a world where society has thrown what the Bible says out the window. Sometimes I feel like I was just born in the wrong time.
The coworker that talks to me the most has three children with three different women, is all about drinking and partying, does not believe God exists, is pro abortion, anti breastfeeding and is opinionated up the wazoo. We agree that we disagree on pretty much everything. But this is not someone who I feel I can become friends with.

I have been making some progress with some of the parents from football. It has taken two seasons.

I have a neighbour here at the cottage who has been my neighbour for years. Every time she walked past she would have her eyes forward or down when she went past. So, I started to shout hi when she went by. She now responds but never is she willing to stop and chat. She had company this week for a day and she said more to me in front of her friend than she has to me all summer. It felt fake. At the pool she asked me something, I swam over and answered and she turned her back to me and shut me out afterwards. She obviously has no interest in being a friend to me.

I don't know where I am going with all this other than it is 2am and I am wide awake being consumed by the desire to have someone in my life that I can ask how their day was and they respond. That they reach out first sometimes and ask me some days. The people who are in my life I try to be a good friend to but when I stop giving, I stop existing to them.

I met someone this summer who I felt had similar beliefs, outlook on life and experiences. I tried reaching out to them asking questions, showing an interest in their life...not interested. And this is probably what set all this off this evening as I let the sadness of the shattered hope that I had get the better of me. I allowed myself to see more into the possibility of this friendship than was reality of what was on the other person's end.

I don't want sympathy. Just honesty. Why is this so hard for me to find a true friend? Someone that doesn't turn their back when life changes?

I invested a lot of time into someone this month. I was there for this person and we spent a lot of time together. Our kids get along. We had lots of fun. But I know that this relationship exists because I work hard to keep it up.  An effort that is mostly one sided. If I stop, that will be it. It was worth it because I really needed that friendship this summer. But why is my friendship not worth effort in return?

I know I speak what is on my mind. That my opinions differ from other people's. But I  try to be honest and true to those in my life and not judge others and force my beliefs on them.

But reality is I am socially awkward. I don't know how to fit into so many situations. Crowds and parties are not my thing. Neither is going to a bar or getting intoxicated. I feel that i must give out a wrong vibe that repels. I've made many mistakes.

I am tired.

I want a change in how things are so I am less lonely but I don't know how to make that happen. After my failed attempt to make this new friend this summer, the hurt from rejection is too great that my wall will probably go back up for awhile.

I do have people in my life who i would consider to be a friend. The kind on FB that are superficial but not close. Not ones that I feel understand me and my life or reach out. Who I can reach out to.