a fail kinda day...

Today I kinda failed at mothering my needy, whiny, clingy child. I have his cold that he has been suffering from for the last week or so. I got home late from my niece's graduation ceremony last night. I drank a coffee so I could make it home the 1.5 hour drive...so when I got home at midnight, it then took me another couple of hours for the caffeine to wear off enough to sleep.
SO I started out the day with a sore throat and tired. The day was hot and muggy and will all those reasons, I failed miserably. The whining drove me bonkers. The crying drove me bonkers. The fighting and refusal to choose to play 'with' his siblings rather than fighting drove me bonkers.
I lost my patience.
A few times too many.

Then my other son cut off all my little girl's hair.
I lost my patience.
I got angry.
I stopped talking so I wouldn't say something I would regret.

Then the whining, crying, clinging drove me even more bonkers.
I tried to keep a distance but the clinging included the need to be in EVERY space I was. I drew the line at the bathroom!

I felt claustrophobic. I wanted silence.

I did not enjoy motherhood so much today. One son was desperate to play with the other but to no avail. So I decided to help them play together without letting them realize my plan. They used the kiddy pool as a boat, put on life jackets and pretended to go on an adventure. To South America one son declared. So I packed them some food for their journey. Because I know my one son always will gravitate to food. They had fun. I enjoyed my break from the whining, crying and I had some space finally.

Some days I question if I have the ability to fill the hole my son has from his 4 years of neglect...ONLY with the grace of God!

So now....I leave the sink of dirty dishes, and I turn in early and hope that tomorrow I have even more moments of enjoyment....

first day of summer...

Today was the first day of summer and I spent it mostly away from my kids :(

I had three extra work days this week for trainings and meetings. I am SO ready for this upcoming weekend to end to be over...Sunday will end with a family gathering to celebrate my cousin Rachel's baby daughter (her first), Grace Ruth. I am hoping to slip out an hour or two early to compensate for the 15 extra hours this week.

The first day of summer and T is running a fever, has a sore throat and a cough. The first day of summer and CO has an eye infection. The first day of summer and B has a runny nose.

OH THE JOYS!

I decided that after the busy week that we had that I would finally grant CO's wish for take out pizza :) I knew the sitter wouldn't have thought about preparing supper, so I ordered the pizza ahead of time and woke up T off the couch (his second nap) at 5pm, loaded up all the kids and headed to the store to grab the pizza. The plan was to go to a park to celebrate the first day of Summer but on the way to the park, the boys suggested heading to Ms Lizzy's. here are two photos that CO took with his camera

 

Ms Beth (Ms Lizzy's Mom). She fell this week and fractured her foot.

B on the trampoline. She walks round and round in circles...very cute to watch

 

Overall a successful evening. The boys were excited that they got to have root beer with their pizza to celebrate the first day of Summer and then Ms Lizzy found ice cream sandwiches :) Ms Lizzy and her mom got a free dinner and we all got in a nice visit. The boys are excited that next week Ms Lizzy's pool should be ready for kids to swim in!

 

Once home, I tucked the two youngest to bed and then CO and I enjoyed the backyard. We let the chickens loose to run around and eat grass & bugs, I went thru the sales flyers to make shopping lists, CO worked on his note book, fed his favorite chicken grapes & then played. A nice way to end the evening.

 

The kids get to have all three of their babysitters this weekend one last time.

verdict...

So, the verdict was happy & sad. I will be able to adopt my two foster children, but their younger brother will be adopted separately.
It is great news that these kids get to stay and they no longer have to move around. The little boy has had 4 moves in less than a year. I was sad that CAS didn't even give me a chance to show them I could parent all the kids. I was sad that the three bio siblings will not be able to grow up together as siblings. I felt that they ripped me off from my chance of having a 'baby'.
But of course God talked to me in the middle of the night...as he tends to do. I guess that is when he has my undivided attention the most.
Yes I could have successfully parented 4 kids ages 5 & under. But I will be able to parent 3 probably a little better. God doesn't give me anything I can't handle. I admit, 4 would have been a stretch...especially the first year.
The loop hole of this all is the family who adopts the baby has to be open to contact. So, if they are really amazing, I could be getting an extended family...more family...
CAS is choosing between 2 different families. One who sounds nice and already has a couple of open adoptions.

SO...

things aren't official until the 27th.
Then there is a 6 month probation period.

But I am unofficially the forever mom of 3. And am unofficially DONE with the foster system. I will no longer foster. I think I will also close my house for future adoptions. God may change things in the future....

 

 

 

I have written the CAS a letter asking for a chance to raise all the kids so that the sibling set can stay together. I am not holding my breath but years from now when the kids ask my why I didn't raise their brother, I will be able to answer that I was not allowed even though I was willing. 

the verdict is in...

I get to find out what the verdict is at 3:30 when the social worker is due to arrive...

June....

So far June is a bright and beautiful month...there have been days of rain, days of sunshine, family visiting and progress made on the backyard...

Sunday after work I loaded up the kids and took them to my parent's trailer for a swim and supper...it was great!

Yesterday my parents helped me assemble one of my chicken fences. It is to keep the chickens more corralled into the back part of the yard. I choose this fence because if I want it moved it is a case of just lifting it up off the metal rods, and moving it (securing the medal rods to the ground again).

My little miss is sporting a sailor dress and some french braids today.
My biggest man is on a batman kick these days and has been watching taped episodes from the retro channel. 'Gadzooks' and other phrases can be heard around my house these days....makes me laugh

My littlest man is having better days. When he was sick a couple of weeks ago, it was awful. He was tired and sick and FULL of testing. We had a couple of rough grumpy days last week but things are brighter. He is such a joyful kid if he just chooses to be. He is growing and blossoming before my eyes. I have to remember that he is more 3 than 5 when it comes to a lot of emotional development.

I would love this month even more if there wasn't a cloud of possible loss hanging over our heads. Seems there is a chance the kids could move. SO, we wait. Annoyingly so.

news...

no news is...no news...sigh

when I emailed my SW to ask for an update I was only told, 'no decisions yet-all possible placements are being reviewed'

so I got nothing in the news department...other than now the kids may be moved and not stay afterall...


BUT we did go to the cottage today and gave it a SPRING cleaning!!! Not the most fun thing to do with three kids ages 1-5 but it is done thanks to some help from my mom!

NOW just need public school to be over so we can start sleeping there....