Friendship

Friend ship is hard. I see my child struggle to fit in and make friends. I see how much he just wants someone to play with but his 'differentness' stands in the way. He tries to fit in but often the people he wants to play with have other people they'd rather play with or his size and strength turn them away. He has troubles seeing the difference between his actions being a game vs being a bug.

I can empathize with his struggle.

I struggle too. I wonder why I have to work so hard to have a friend. I used to have a bunch of friends a a teen and young adult but as they all got married, somehow we stopped being friends. I would put myself out there, and I felt like I was begging these people to spend time with me again but they still didn't really want to.

Loneliness can eat away at you and grow into something unhealthy, it makes you question yourself, it makes you put up walls to protect your heart.

It gets to the point where you stop trying and begging the people you thought were your friends to spend time with you as the rejection hurts.

I understand people grow apart.

I struggle even more because of my faith and my morals. I don't fit in with my coworkers.  Being someone who tries to live by what she feels is right in God's eye in a world where society has thrown what the Bible says out the window. Sometimes I feel like I was just born in the wrong time.
The coworker that talks to me the most has three children with three different women, is all about drinking and partying, does not believe God exists, is pro abortion, anti breastfeeding and is opinionated up the wazoo. We agree that we disagree on pretty much everything. But this is not someone who I feel I can become friends with.

I have been making some progress with some of the parents from football. It has taken two seasons.

I have a neighbour here at the cottage who has been my neighbour for years. Every time she walked past she would have her eyes forward or down when she went past. So, I started to shout hi when she went by. She now responds but never is she willing to stop and chat. She had company this week for a day and she said more to me in front of her friend than she has to me all summer. It felt fake. At the pool she asked me something, I swam over and answered and she turned her back to me and shut me out afterwards. She obviously has no interest in being a friend to me.

I don't know where I am going with all this other than it is 2am and I am wide awake being consumed by the desire to have someone in my life that I can ask how their day was and they respond. That they reach out first sometimes and ask me some days. The people who are in my life I try to be a good friend to but when I stop giving, I stop existing to them.

I met someone this summer who I felt had similar beliefs, outlook on life and experiences. I tried reaching out to them asking questions, showing an interest in their life...not interested. And this is probably what set all this off this evening as I let the sadness of the shattered hope that I had get the better of me. I allowed myself to see more into the possibility of this friendship than was reality of what was on the other person's end.

I don't want sympathy. Just honesty. Why is this so hard for me to find a true friend? Someone that doesn't turn their back when life changes?

I invested a lot of time into someone this month. I was there for this person and we spent a lot of time together. Our kids get along. We had lots of fun. But I know that this relationship exists because I work hard to keep it up.  An effort that is mostly one sided. If I stop, that will be it. It was worth it because I really needed that friendship this summer. But why is my friendship not worth effort in return?

I know I speak what is on my mind. That my opinions differ from other people's. But I  try to be honest and true to those in my life and not judge others and force my beliefs on them.

But reality is I am socially awkward. I don't know how to fit into so many situations. Crowds and parties are not my thing. Neither is going to a bar or getting intoxicated. I feel that i must give out a wrong vibe that repels. I've made many mistakes.

I am tired.

I want a change in how things are so I am less lonely but I don't know how to make that happen. After my failed attempt to make this new friend this summer, the hurt from rejection is too great that my wall will probably go back up for awhile.

I do have people in my life who i would consider to be a friend. The kind on FB that are superficial but not close. Not ones that I feel understand me and my life or reach out. Who I can reach out to.

Leaky cup?

How do you fill a kid's cup when it is damaged and leaking from neglect?  I have a son who is all about 'fair'. But only if it is to his benefit and on his terms can things possibly be fair.  He doesn't want things equal,  but things the way that he comes out on top. 
When he isn't getting his way,  there are hissy fits, wailing,  bad moods, defiance and wailing.  My mantra for him for the last couple of years is 'choose joy'!
We watched the movie on netflix, inside out, this week.  Actually I think the kids watched it three times.  I think it was good because I have applied it to his life a bit so far and will continue to do so.
I asked him while he was in one of his funks yesterday if he was making this moment a blue bubble moment or a yellow one.  He knew exactly what I was referring to and said blue. I suggested he figure out a way to make the next  moment yellow so that his day could be filled with yellow rather than red and blue. ..he left the room to think and he actually did turn things around. 
My son's cup had a hole.  I can't repair it.  I can't fill it.  But I do need to figure out ways to teach him to live his life with joy in spite of the leak rather than focusing on the leak and not living life to the fullest.
Pray for his heart and wisdom for his mom.

Helping a kid in a bad mood

Last month I was at a home school field trip and I took opportunity to spend times with other moms talking. 
I picked up a piece of advice from another mom on dealing with a child's bad attitude when it comes to school work/doing what is expected with politeness and without bring a grump.
I have a very emotional son. One who is often stuck in a funk as he feels most situations in his life are not fair.  We talk a lot about life is fair but not equal...but he still gets into a grump and it very much throws of our days. 
Advice: get them into a service! Usually a chore around the house.  In my house it usually ends up being dishes or vacuuming.
You send the child off to do the chore, they spend the time taking their frustrations out on the task and they usually return happier, if not send them off to do another. 
It allows them to be grumpy off on their own,  take their anger out on the dishes or dirty floor & changes their focus away from feeling sorry for themselves.
This has been a HUGE help for this mom whose soon struggles to choose JOY.

Added bonus is a cleaner house.

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Now some random photos from our life recently

And then there were five. ..

We are home.  After a wonderful 7 weeks at the cottage we have moved back home.  The house is still not all put back together but we are getting there. 

There are a few goals I have set to accomplish before September. 
T had an accident in the night at  beginning of this month which has resulted in 8 stitches and surgery on his upper jaw.  Lots of Dr appointments have followed and estimate time for healing is 4-6 weeks.
So hopefully being home I can get done what I need to and at the same time keep that kid from hitting his mouth.  He is not in pain so does not understand how serious a fractured jaw really is.

Yesterday we spent time at  the aquarium.  It was crowded. Lovely place I am sure but we were packed in there like sardines it felt like. ..and warm!

Tired

Well just got home from a 2am trip to the emergency. Shortly after 1am Tristan woke us all up with his death shrill. I turned on my light and called him to come to me and his face was covered in blood.
Seems he fell climbing down from the top bunk to go pee and landed on his face. I have no clue how he accomplished it but his bottom teeth went straight through his lip, his top tooth cut down by his chin and he jammed his top front tooth back into his gums (or broke it)
8 stitches later we are back home. Will have to call the dentist as soon he opens in the morning for xrays and a consult.
There is something to say about small town hospitals. There are three hospitals I could have gone to. I choose the one that was just a couple of more minutes away and I am glad I did. We were the only ones there. Quick service! No wait.
Hopefully I get some sleep. Only got two hours before he fell.
Thanks Dad for driving over to stay with the rest of the kids. (A husband would have come in handy tonight!)

summer of bliss

two summers ago I would not have been able to predict
last summer I would not have been able to predict

there is peace in my house
there is calm in my house
there is love and joy in my house

all those things aren't always there...but the hours of wailing, the constant fighting, the evenings of me just being 'done', etc. they have diminished
The boys play...together...willingly

overall there is less hurting, more thinking of others & less sneaking

it has been a crazy year in terms of childcare. we lost some long time sitters, we gained many that didn't stick around

but even through all the instability while I was at work...we have THRIVED!

Two summers ago I very much questioned what God's plan was...what was he thinking?? CO and I were still mourning loosing J and all of a sudden God expanded our family with chaos. How could he possibly expect me NOT to become an alcoholic raising these three extremely different children? (kidding)

Last summer was a summer of chaos. CO was in chaos. He was all over the place with his moods, he was all over the place with his feelings, it was tough. I could not figure out the root of what was going on with him. He was suffering from some headaches but I didn't know if it was the source of the moods or a side effect of something else. We visited doctors and did allergy testing. I did some research online and talked virtually to other moms who have adopted and in the end I jumped into essential oils with CO. I didn't tell many people. Within months people were making comments about how he was 'growing up'. I felt like I had finally stopped chasing my child whose name is a verb. Things weren't perfect but they was more calm than chaos. This past Easter I saw a side of my son that was a puzzle piece to the chaos that was the summer before. More changes.
We removed stuff from his diet and the difference between last summer and this summer with him...NIGHT and DAY!

Homeschooling T was just what he and I needed for our relationship. It is what our whole family needed in the relationship department. I saw much progress with him overall with attachment and his taking ownership of his health and hygiene. He was much more joyful. And then he had an encounter with his first family that caused lots of emotions and steps back. It resulted in T and I having a very tough spring. I honestly considered shipping him away to family for a few weeks just to allow me to get my feet back under me and catch my breath. I felt awful for considering it but his setbacks were stressful for the whole family. With lots of prayer, time and conversations, I think we are back to a road of healing for that boy. I think he and I will always have our head butting ways. He is such an emotional, artsy boy and I am such a 'suck it up' kinda mom. July was much better than April - June. It isn't perfect. He still has lots going on in his heart and mind that he is dealing with, but overall...I see healing. He is now just doing better with his hygiene again. (knock on wood as it has been only less than a week that there has been improvement in this department)

B is B! She is such a blessing to me. She is my calm in the storm. She is a spitfire, sassy, bossy princess! But at the same time she is loving. She is giving. God knew that I would need her as my calm in the storm that is her brothers.
She tells me multiple times a day that she loves me, that I am the best mommy, that I am so nice. She is a giver...of rocks, leaves, whatever she finds. She is my helper, my shadow and she radiates JOY. She also has a talent for conning people into doing 'for' her what she can do. She is stubborn and strong willed, but overall she radiates JOY.  Sometimes I will just stand outside the bathroom and listen to her singing songs of worship to God, it does my heart good!
This summer she mastered a two wheeler. I did not predict this to happen this summer as she is a very cautious and not confident child when it comes to cycling. In the past with her tricycle, she carried more than she sat on it. With her balance bike she walked it. She refused to pedal anything. She was worried about falling, about getting hurt, etc.
In May we came to the cottage and she seemed to finally catch on to gliding and balancing on her balance bike (a bicycle that was given to us and I had the pedals taken off).
In July, she rode. She was given a new bike. No training wheels and once she figured out the pedaling there was no stopping her...well other than the trees, buildings, etc. She hasn't mastered stopping. But over the month she has gone from being a panicked cyclist to a happy and mostly confident cyclist.

So far this summer has been one of bliss. We haven't done much. But we have played and relaxed and just overall enjoyed what is our cottage and what it has to offer us. It is a 12x24 foot building with only running cold water, but is a sanctuary and haven. We've swam, kayaked, bicycled and spent time with friends. We've had campfires, family visit, friends visit and learned chess.
Life is good. God is good.

There has been another big change in our family. My niece and her dog have moved in. There were a few big things that happened to bring this about, but overall I think it is the best move for everyone concerned for right now. My brother's new job has him travelling a lot and I believe that staying with me is what my niece needs right now.  At the end of June we did some rearranging of bedrooms, I am now in the smallest  room and the walls are decorated with B's bunnies and birds still. M and B are in bunk beds in the master bedroom. Within a week of her moving in, we headed off to the cottage for a big chunk of the summer. I know August is going to begin the month of adjustments for all as we figure out our new normal back at home. I will not only be homeschooling my three, but I will be supervising my niece in high school and helping her develop the skills of organization and time management that she needs in order to find success academically. 

So lots of prayer overall. For healing, for our family as it finds its new normal.

For our extended family. CO's Papa needs lots of prayers in the health department and for his heart and soul.

I look at this month of July. It has been a good summer. Compared to the last three Julys, it has been the best! For this I am truly thankful! He gets all the credit! God it good.

I have another almost two weeks booked off in August. Plans for what will happen during that time are not set in stone and are very much in the air.

guess we are not done yet....update

SO, I packed away the Duplo this past Spring. And had it stacked in the corner of the front porch. I was thinking we'd bless it to someone else since B is the only one that really built with it this past winter. The boys play with the vehicles but I was thinking my hopes for having 'building boys' kinda went out the window. WELL, this past Wednesday the boys unpacked it while I was visiting with dear old friends and they have been playing with it non-stop. AND their non-stop play of house has transferred to Duplo. Seriously I was getting sick of 'house'. It has been non-stop in this house for two months. I mean like EVERY day, non-stop. It is the only way T would play. If they were digging in the sandbox it was while playing 'house' and it was two weeks non-stop of the boys calling eachother husband and wife. I tried explaining that people didn't call eachother by their titles but to no avail. And T was constantly wearing skirts, tutus on his head for long hair, he even drew makeup on his face with not washable marker. It is in those moments that I have to remember that maturity wise he is still just 4, NOT 6 1/2.

But they are building, well atleast the oldest is. The duplo men have expanded the 'house' characters to more than just a wife and husband! yeah!

So I guess another winter of Duplo taking over the living room is in order...I will embrace the imagination!

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football
CO is playing tackle football.

it took him a bit to figure it out and embrace it (as he is hesitant with all change) but he LOVES it. What big kid who loves to wrestle wouldn't? you can tackle and knock over other kids and not get in trouble!
the thing I love about football: is it active (3 hours of practice a week), it is very much about teamwork and the coaches are touch and encouraging at the same time, hard work in practice is rewarded with more game time, I only had to supply the cleats and mouth guard (total less than $10 as the cleats were bought 2nd hand by Nana)
what I don't like about football: I DON'T fit in with the other parents very well. I struggle to listen to them joke and complain about their personal lives and deadbeat spouses. I have two VERY busy evenings as Tuesdays is choir and football and Thursdays is swimming and football. There have been 4 fundraisers already. I understand that they need money for expenses but honestly...I can't justify this many in two months to my family and neighbours.

Overall I am SO happy that he loves it so much. It is for three months in the fall and then again in the spring. 

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choir
T has music running through his veins. He is constantly singing and beating out a rhythm.
I found a local kids choir and it is AMAZING! he is the youngest. They prefer them to start at age 7 but said they would give him a chance because of his passion. It was explained to him that it was an honour for them to take him below the desired age so he needed to do his best to be 'big'.
He loves it. It is a great outlet for him, he is learning SO much and in a few months, the concerts will probably begin. I really like that this group is big on performing in the community (schools, seniors homes, etc.)

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school
I am teaching them all this year. (well B is making me school her too...she is my eager student...wanting to know where her math test is too, etc.)
I schooled T on the days he was home last year. I also did some school all summer. So, we've transitioned well. We've developed a good rhythm. I started out with us just doing the basics and every couple of weeks I am adding to the workload. The boys are doing well. We have our bad days and moments but the goal is to school 4 days a week (we take Tuesdays off for co-op) so they are really having school 5 days a week but only 4 at home.
Due to the fact that I am finding things so much more harmonious these days, I am signing us up for more field trips with the home school groups, etc.
We went on a trip to a honey farm. VERY fun and cool.
my kids got to pet a bee!













and in a couple of weeks the boys are going to do tree climbing (with ropes and harnesses)

all the kids are doing swim lessons through the group as well

my love/hate relationship with....socks

I love bare feet. (which a little 3 year old boy referred to them as 'bare pigs' this summer and that phrase melted my heart)
I walk bare foot around my house inside and out. I am required to wear shoes at work, I take them off without even realizing it.
In the winter, I LOVE my socks. My socks are all hand knit for me by my mother and I LOVE LOVE LOVE them. Before my mother started knitting me socks, I liked funky crazy socks but mostly I loved my angora goat hair ones and my wool ones.
My children make me feel differently about socks. My oldest also likes socks. ALL year round. Bugs me to no end. He leaves them helter skelter all over the house inside and out. He wears socks for days on end and I often have to peel those ones off his feet while he is in bed half asleep. My son is SO terrible for making sure that his socks end up in the laundry that often I have only one of a pair at any given time...which resulted in my son no longer wearing matched socks. The other day he wore one that was stripped red and blue and the other was a solid brown.
My oldest has giant feet that have grown quickly. My youngest son had very small feet when he joined our family but has grown like a weed since and therefore his feet have also grown. Which has resulted in socks that I have no idea who fit whom and if some of them actually fit anyone.
I have tried to fix the sock problem by buying multiple packs of the same type of socks for each child.
I have even stopped matching socks for awhile and just had a giant bucket. I got to the point that I designated two drawers in the dresser in the laundry room to be JUST for socks. Boy socks in the left drawer, Girl socks in the right. My oldest just ended up stealing all my store purchased socks because his feet grew again and his socks were too small, and because I tried hiding his socks for the summer to get him to stop wearing them with his Keen sandals.
When we were at the cottage this summer...there was NO sock issues...I didn't pack any.

Well my latest phase in trying to keep the socks under control....I took ALL socks and bagged them up. Then I purchased a set of 'weekday' socks for each child. If a child does not get his socks in the laundry, then next time Wednesday rolls around, NO socks for them. The boy's feet will match so I will know if someone is not sticking to the plan.
I am not sure if it is going to work or not. There is a single lonely Saturday sock in the downstairs bathroom on the floor.
But I have my fingers crossed that one day, the hate part of my relationship with socks will be a thing of the past.