the end and beginning...

My parental leave is over. I started back to work last weekend. I was very sad driving into work last weekend. I didn't get much sleep at work as one of the clients stayed up until almost 3am watching tv (plus day light savings, dst, time was a factor) and I was just wide awake. Not exactly sure why.
Work was good. Short as I just worked the Sunday part of the shift. But overall, I fell back into the job without a hitch.
I returned home to two very over tired boys. They were late in settling to sleep Saturday night as my father let the cat out of the bag that I was headed into work (I had just told them I was going back to work in March and after that I just said 'soon' as I didn't want them to get worried or anxious) and then they missed an hour of sleep due to dst, then they didn't settle at quiet time and rest Sunday afternoon. Needless to say come bedtime Sunday night, my oldest was an over tired emotional wreck. He doesn't handle change well, especially when that change involves us not being together. He was a weepy, anxious, overtired wreck come bedtime and just begged me to stay upstairs with him. I brought him downstairs to get him calm. We watched the pvr'd episode of Heartland, by this time he was done with the weeping and then we snuggled together into my bed. His tears returned but he was more rational. After more reassurance that I would stay with him, he finally fell asleep. The next son was up in the night with nightmares.
Returning to work kinda sucks for the everyone. Well except B....she is my cool cat :) She just needed some snuggles after I got home and she was ok :) She doesn't carry as much baggage as the boys.

Before I headed into work, I had all figured out what was happening with childcare and I had all my ducks in a row (at least until Easter). Last night my ducks began to scatter. Which sent me into a panic (two nights previous of not enough sleep did not help things) and I was an emotional crying mess. I had to remind myself that God has the whole situation under control.

I got the boys quickly through school this morning (we aren't taking a week off right now as we are going to time off at Easter) and we headed off to visit C's chickens (they moved to a farm as we aren't allowed them in town and a neighbour complained...not sure if I blogged about it or not). It was a beautiful Spring day. I know Spring is probably not here to stay, but today was beautiful and we enjoyed it while we could. We spent the rest of the morning at the farm. I talked with my friend there and she gave me a couple of names to try for childcare. I left feeling much better about things. The children had a great time with the animals and mucking in mud.

My cousin's daughter is here for the rest of the week. I always enjoy having her as all the kids get along with her and when she is here it is company for me and an extra set of eyes and helping hands. Right now she is on a bread making boat (inspired by my baking bread earlier in the day)...right now my house smells yummy. She cleaned the kitchen from supper without being asked while I was getting the children ready for bed....so very nice and appreciated!

these photos are of CO when he was three. He loved mud then and he still loves mud today! He announced today that he was very excited for Spring because he was looking forward to playing with mud! (let the laundry marathon of muddy clothes begin!)

January Books Read

1. Crossfire by Jeanette Windle
2. Nurturing Adoptions by Deborah D. Gray
3. Unglued by  Lysa Terkeurs

Read Alouds with the CO
1. The Children of Noisy Village by Astrid Lindgrin
2. Understood Betsy by Dorothy Canfield

Childrens books with T (the ones he really enjoyed and I read multiple times)
1. Choo Choo by Virginia Lee Burton
2. Press Here by Herve Tullet

our schooling journey...

Well I got to teach both of my boys all week. T had a cold so he stayed home from school. It was a nice glimpse of our future (yes I am planning on teaching both the boys next year). I have spent a lot of time in prayer and planning trying to figure out how to teach two boys will essentially be grade 1 & 2 but with only 6 months gap in age. Well currently the decision, is to teach them both the same in all subjects other than Math and Reading. The thought of teaching them separately seems like a lot of work for such a small age gap and I think having them learn together will be unifying for them. I may actually have them fairly close in to being together in reading and math come fall. T spends time learning not only his lessons but also his brother's so I am fairly sure that when it comes to his time to have the lessons he has witnessed his brother have, he will just speed right through them :) It is SO fun to watch them be sponges for learning! I am SO thankful that God has blessed me with the job that I have so that I am able to teach my boys and be with them M-F.  It is so great to watch them finally figure out something that they have been struggling to figure out. It is so great to be able to celebrate with them when understanding kicks in.
This week T was doing a reading lesson about the short letter 'u'. Oh it was such a crazy lesson for him. He knew the letter sound. He would tell the sound of all the letters in the word but when it came time to blending them, he would say the word with the short 'o' sound. For instance he would have the word 'bug' say 'b-u-g bog'. I am not sure that this is something that would have been caught right away if he was having this same lesson in a group setting. He has developed some incorrect habits when it comes to his speech because he doesn't have top teeth so I am not sure if nobody ever thought to make sure that even if his teeth weren't there, that he was still using his mouth in the proper formation to make the sounds. We do a lot of correcting as I am a firm believer that if you aren't pronouncing your words properly, you aren't going to master reading them properly either. Well, we had a few days in a row this week that we could focus on the lesson at his pace. Lots of practice and today when he was reading his fluency page for the lesson, he only switched out the 'o' for the 'u' a couple of times rather than every time. We celebrated. It brought us closer (I would like to believe) and I got to share in this with him.
I am loving the math program we are using. CO is good at math...if he applies himself. That is probably one of his biggest struggles. He SO bad wants to be able to play and do school at the same time. Something that is rarely successful. The program we are using is set up so that they watch a lesson on a DVD with me and then they spend the rest of the week working on practicing what they have learning and reviewing what they have learned thus far. My goal for CO is to watch the lesson Monday and write the lesson test on Friday. Well this week, I was seeing that he wasn't grasping the lesson 100% by mid week and rather than sticking to the schedule for him to write the test today, I made up some flash cards to give him lots more practice and review. He will probably not write his test until the middle of next week so we can practice with the flash cards some more. This is one of the reasons why I home school. So that my boy's can learn at their own pace. In a group school setting, he would probably have started to fall behind and it would have been up to me to spend the evenings trying to catch him up when we were both tired, he would be frustrated and deflated because he would not have been on par with his peers potentially causing him to get farther and farther behind. It would mean we wouldn't be spending our evenings reading going on grand adventures while reading chapter books together but rather struggling through homework.
The math program explains thing in a fun way. For example a couple of weeks ago it was adding with 9. So, 9+5, 9+6, etc.   The way they explain it is that 9 wants to be a 10 because being 10 is VERY cool. So it uses the one hole that it has as a vacuum and steals one from the other number, so with 9+5....9 wants to be a ten...make a quick suction noise 'slurp' and that leaves 5 as a four...and the nine as a 10 meaning 14. I am probably explaining it not as clearly. So the lesson after that was adding with 8. 8 has two holes so it does two 'slurps'. It is fun for a boy to make vacuum noises to do his math.

here are the boys heading to swim lessons together. They are wearing insulated coveralls over their bathing suits :) Makes for being ready for the lesson that much faster. While the boys lessons are at different times this time round, it enables me to do some small 1:1 work with each boy as well as get some visiting in with some of the other moms and share our schooling journeys and struggles.

a day of celebration...

This evening on the way home from our Thursday adventures of drop Bea off at the sitter, go to swimming lessons, pick up Bea, go cook supper at my parent's, eat supper and head home...CO asked me 'how' he could ask Jesus into his heart so that he didn't have to die and spend time with that STUPID SATAN. I told him we could talk about the 'how' when we got home in a couple of minutes. I reminded him that we didn't use the 's-word' (that is what we call it...the s-word) and he piped up that Satan is STUPID even if we aren't supposed to say that word.
So this evening as I was tucking my little one into bed, I talked with him about what to do, and he prayed and asked Jesus into his heart.

payment...

I am SO thankful that I was prepared for the holidays before December 1st in the fact that I had the majority of the shopping done. I am...things have gone down hill from there...chaos has abounded...I don't think I was prepared for dealing with the holidays with a broken child. Looking back, I have made lots of mistakes, I have done a lot less 'christmasy' things than I have in the past but overall...I am thankful for my kids, for the true gift of the season. I am thankful for the greatest gift of all, and I hope that in years to come as my Children heal on the inside, that we will be able to do more and that the memories we make will be good ones.
I have questioned myself as a mother a lot, it has been an emotional month and I have been feeling under the weather a lot. I look forward to a new year. Overall I am not one that looks far to the future, I am normally more of an in the moment kind of person.
I am still working on our family goals for 2014.
I didn't get Christmas cards out. I got adoption announcement out so maybe I will do a letter in the near future.

 I am looking forward to our Christmas Eve Service this evening. It is a candle light carol sing. I am looking forward to family coming tomorrow and celebrating with family again the following day.
and I may or may not have used the advent chocolates to pay my children for helpfulness, happiness and harmony today....

From my family to yours, I wish you a Merry Christmas. May Blessing Abound!

I CAN'T!!!!....sigh

I can't go into the bathroom without chaos. I can't. I don't know why but it is ANNOYING! Case in point this evening...I had the forethought to lock the door after going in. Within minutes B is outside the bathroom door claiming she needed to pee potty too...no prob. I let her in, she does her business and then I send her out again and tell her to go play. She does. CO arrives at the door and wants to watch tv. I say no as he has watched enough and tell him to go play. He does, he actually heads to the tree to play with the Christmas carousel. It seems when heading to the tree, he passes T and T's foot gets stepped on. So T stands outside the bathroom door an makes the noise that sends me BATTY! I can't help it. It is an awful noise...similar to a siren. I ask him what the problem is, he says CO stepped on his foot. I ask if he needs to go to the hospital...no. So I ask him to go and play. 'I can't' is the reply. Siren continues. I ask him again to GO and play. 'I can't' is the reply. I ask him if he is tied up. no. I ask him if he is glued to the floor. no. I ask if his foot is broken and he needs to see a dr. no. T PLEASE GO play. I can't. Siren noise continues. CO asks him to stop making the noise. more chaos as there is a scuffle.
I come out of the bathroom and puts the boys on stools in the kitchen and make them sit while I wash up from supper. T is making faces at CO so I ask him to put his back to his brother. CO quickly gets calm and proceeds to reach for a book off the cook book rack on how to tie a shoe and proceeds to learn how to tie a shoe.
T asks to get off...but this is a time in and I am waiting for him to turn off his anger. He continues to glare and say mean things to his brother so I move T to the laundry room and CO goes off to find something else to do. I start folding laundry. He continues with his negative attitude. Finally he asks if he can match socks...I say yes! and he happily does. We have good talks. He is doing good. Then I leave the laundry room to deal with B's accident (her first since coming home) in the bathroom...and guess what happens??? CHAOS! CO came to the bathroom to ask for a bath and T decided to run to the bathroom door to block CO from getting past. What happens when a stick tries to stop an avalanche??? chaos! the avalanche is stronger and isn't about to be blocked by a stick. chaos. So I escort T back to his stool and ask him WHY??? he left the laundry room to cause a fight with his brother....his reply....shoulder shrug....ahhhh...so I go to finish dealing with his sister in the bathroom and he starts to say mean things to CO. So CO shuts the laundry room door which results in the siren noise. SIGH. I get CO into the tub, I get B headed upstairs to get into bed, I head to the laundry and ask him what the problem is. His reply is he doesn't like being in a room by himself. I ask him if I said mean things to him if he'd want to be in the same room as me? no. Did shut the door because you were saying mean things? yes. So, I look at the time...10 minutes PAST bedtime and I proceed to get T into pjs and into bed. I tuck T into bed and leave to get B into pjs and bed. The siren begins. So I ask what the problem is. He didn't get a chance to play! AHHHH I reminded him he was told to play but he 'couldn't'. I give him more kisses and leave to deal with B. Siren starts up again.  AHHH
I really need to be able to react to that siren nicer but it makes my skin crawl!!! It sends me batty!! It makes me loose my cool. We have some words (mine too loud). He stops.I give him a kiss and I leave...silence.
sigh
I can't go into the bathroom without chaos.

In the past to deal with the siren noise is to send it to bed! That method wasn't working. Even though I know T is tired. But sending him away just separates us, that is why I was trying plan B which was having a 'time-in'. I head back to work in less than 3 months. It is going to cause my relationship to go backwards with T. I know it will. I went out for one evening in September, the first since July (for a mtg to do with B's speech...and my parents put the kids to bed) I told T what was happening and why. He was fine. But that night he woke up 3 times crying for me.

all of this is just a vent. There has been HUGE progress with T. There really has. In July the siren would have gone off for over an hour. These days it is just minutes. There is less anger and threatening and yelling overall. Having him sit in a room with me enabled him to turn off his anger and negative mood and talk to me and enjoy himself. He didn't get to 'play' but he didn't get sent to his room for having his anger get out of control (which is what happens many evenings). Progress.
I need to measure and analyse to see the progress....it gives me strength to continue on in the journey...well with God...I would never be able to do any of this parenting of 'broken' children if it wasn't for His strength and love.

I just wish I could:
       1. go into the bathroom without chaos
       2. be able to deal with the siren in a calmer manner

so if you are the praying sort...that is my prayer request :)

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photo that I stole from faceb**k (because I may or may not have stalked someone's first family on faceb**k to look for photos...sad thing...there were only a handful to steal but the ONLY ones that they will ever have of that time)

T holding B as a baby

a note to myself...

I am struggling with Christmas this year. I am struggling because I am dealing with a hurt boy that has never experienced Christmas before...first time decorating a tree, getting a stocking, etc.

I struggle to do much for Christmas because I am trying to keep the focus on giving rather than receiving, to keep the focus away from selfishness. It is hard. When I do an activity, it is usually ruined by a child who is making everything about competition and all about him. The other children are feeding off it and I hate to admit that some activities end with me loosing my cool. I have had to rethink all traditions that involve food...food is too important to someone that he gets lost in the desire for 'more more' that he can't seem to enjoy the moment.

I am avoiding Santa letters this year. Santa will still bring the kids each one present and fill the stocking but I am trying to keep the focus away from the big guy in red and more towards the ultimate gift of Jesus.

I look forward to next Christmas where he will be in the family a whole more 12 months and feel more secure in his place in the family. And I will be more experienced in dealing with the holidays with a 'hurt' child.

a note to myself: an idea for Christmas in the future...wonder if I can keep the grandparents and extended family on board for this?? because in all honesty...4 gifts is more than many children around the world see in a year let alone all in one day. In a society that is very focused on materialism and selfishness it is hard for parents to keep kids grounded from that way of thinking...

kids only get 4 gifts (One they Want, one they Need, one to Wear, and one to Read)

idea from here 

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on another note, I had an extra two year old over night (watching for a friend who was attending a family funeral)...let me just say 4 kids is SO much better than 3! they can pair off and switch pairs, etc. and no one gets left out or to be the third wheel.
One of the things that is hard for CO & T these days is that CO lives to be outside and T not so much (especially with the cold weather). CO get very frustrated that T isn't so eager to jump at the opportunity to play in the snow. B on the other hand LOVES to play outside with CO but she is just a toddler and can't handle the cold as long or the stamina for tobogganing and shoveling the block :)
The plow went by for the first time this morning and CO was SO excited that he was outside within minutes :)
CO is still my busy boy. He continues to be a tester and button pusher but at the same time he is my 'little man' ready and willing to help fix things, take out the garbage, deliver goodies to neighbours, etc.He loves to snuggle with me as we read chapter books and he is always full of questions of what we are reading about. My prayer for him is that he will continue to love to learn and give in the name of Jesus. 
T is FULL of music. He is always singing, dancing, humming, tapping a tune, etc. He is getting some music themed gifts for Christmas and my prayer for him is that he will use his passion and gift to glorify God.
B is my sweet blessing. She is full of gratitude & joy. She is still a typical stubborn toddler at times but overall she is full of sweetness. My prayer for her is that she will continue to bless people she comes across with her gentle and loving nature.
Last month we had a guest speaker at my Bible Study group and she talked about having a scripture verse for each of her children that she prays for each of her children for the year.  So over the next couple of weeks, that is my goal. To find a verse for each of my kids and to set our Spiritual goals for the upcoming year.

my boys last month with their troop...

'tis the season...

Well it is the 2nd of December...I am glad that my goal was to have the majority of my shopping done before the 1st as the 30th of November I was knocked over with a cold and have no energy. According to CO I have an 'ugly' voice. We cut down the tree on the 30th...in my few moments of energy but it is still in the backyard waiting to come in. I have to clean and drag the decorations upstairs still. I need a second adult to put the tree in the stand.
So, it waits.
I have yet to actually do the advent activities I wanted to...because they require energy and my voice...so we will start them a few days late and do a 'catch up' on a couple of our low key days.
I am blessed by my children. They are letting me rest and relax and are using the fact that mommy isn't well to play nicely rather than fight and get into mischief.
Last night was the kids Sunday School Concert...VERY CUTE! B was a sheppard, T was Joseph and C's class did some bell ringing. I made sure I captured the moment on video for relatives not near.
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T and I are making improvements I think. There is less long moments of him raging (yelling, screaming and smashing stuff) which is greatly appreciated :) Tonight at supper he slammed the fridge door in anger so I asked him to open and shut the fridge door 5 times with a smile. With a smile is the part he struggles with because he would rather stay angry and yell and hurt me with his words and actions. He found something to throw and said he was going to throw it, I told him that just meant he had to pick it up. So he did and he did. But he fought and fought having to open and close the door 5 times with a smile. He yelled and yelled. He saw the rest of us start supper and yet he dug in his heels. Finally I got up and calmly reminded him that he was the one standing between him and his supper and no matter how much he was angry and yelled, he needed to choose to calm down, put a smile on and do what was asked of him. then I gave him a kiss on his forehead and walked back to the table. He waited. He was quiet. Then he put on a smile and did what he needed to. Then he joined us for supper.
I have begun to insist on the smile because otherwise I get to eat supper with a little boy yelling and scowling at me all through the meal...NO fun.
Months ago, he would have yelled and raged for 30+ minutes...tonight is was only about 5 minutes...less rage and just some anger...so I am counting my blessings :) and celebrating the baby steps.
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Silly me agreed to baby sit over night Saturday so my friend could go to her husband's Christmas party. So, I found myself with no voice watching a 6 year old, 5 1/2 year old, 2x 2 year olds and a 10 month old :) We survived...I am not sure I could handle that many kids long term by myself though I think once there was a routine it would run smoother. The big boys were a big help so that was nice. I even got a shower Sunday morning...a miracle when I only have my three.
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I have been putting together Picaboo albums. I have three printed out already. This weekend there was a 50% off sale so I finished up a fourth and am looking forward to it arriving shortly. I basically just plug away at the albums and then wait until there is a great deal before printing it off.
The fun thing is I have come across some great photos from the past.