what makes you feel loved...

That was the question that was asked in my study today. She suggested we ask the significant others in our lives what makes them feel loved. Me, I decided to ask you!

our days have happiness, my nights sorrow

how do you explain 'forever' to a small child? How do you tell him that one day very soon he will not be coming back to the only 'life' he has ever known and that he is about to venture into a new chapter of his life? A chapter without a big chunk of the people you have considered to be your 'family' and 'friends' for so long?

In China saying 'goodbye' was either me leaving, babies going into the arms of Jesus or children going into the arms of a 'family' and they were orphans no more. Now...I am not sure I am cut out for this life God has called me to do. To be a foster parent. I just crawled out of my bed because I needed a deal with a dumb dog that was barking as he needed to go out. In my bed I was sandwiched between my two boys. As much as I always said pre-children that I wasn't pro family bed, my boys have not given me much choice. There is such a shuffling of bodies to different beds throughout my nights. J crawls into bed with me practically every night. I put him back some nights only to have him return. I have come to the conclusion that  I would rather have them crawl into bed with me and we go back to sleep rather than them call to me, wake me up fully while I comfort them and then crawl into my own bed only to find myself wide awake. CO has been crawling into my bed a lot these days around 4am. He too is struggling with his new future....he is loosing his role as a 'big brother'.

Our hopes that J was staying with us 'forever' have been slowly taken from us these past months. When he was brought to us 1.5 years ago, this was not the game plan. The reality that we are facing was only a slim chance, boy were all the powers that be ever wrong. And there is nothing we can do, nothing they can do. J's social worker until very recently still hoped that J's grandparents would 'see' J and that he was happy where he was and would agree to open adoption. I am not sure that is in them. They are too focused on 'winning J' back from the system.

Right now we have a little boy living in two worlds. Two completely different worlds. The more time he spends in the other world, the more changes I see. He no longer feeds himself, puts on his own shoes. He no longer is quick to help or do what is asked of him. He has much more troubles not getting what he wants now. His polite requests have changed to demands. It must be hard to go from a world of indulgence to a world of structure.
Sometimes I feel like all my hard work to get him to 'eat' and to 'do for himself' were all in vain. It took a lot of work to motivate this boy to 'do' and be excited to try to accomplish things.

J came to me when I really needed him. For those who don't know CO he is an intense boy. He is 110% ON when he is awake and that can be draining. He is the king of 'strong willed' and his curiosity I thought was going to make me completely grey haired. Right before J came, I had a lot of questions about CO and if he would ever really develop empathy, a conscience or to be able to put someone else's needs ahead of his own. I don't want to make CO seem like a bad kid, he was just intense. He was exposed to crap prenatally and it wired him differently. But J has helped both myself and CO quite a bit. CO learned to be a 'big brother' and what it means to take care of someone else. He doesn't have this downpat 100% but really what 5 year old does?
J was an easy boy to fall in love with. He was 'goofy cute' in the begining and as my mom says he either grew into his ears or we grew used to them. He was a snuggly little baby. A glimpse of 'normal' in my crazy world with CO.

CO heard me on the phone yesterday asking if J would be gone before Christmas. So of course what I explain to him, he tells to J. That forever includes no more us. That J will be leaving this world and all of the people that have grown to love him. CO sometimes will list the people for him...sigh. And J is torn. He LOVES his grandparents. But he also LOVES his 'for now' family. The place he calls 'home' will be no more.

Now I need to end this pity party. I need to stop with the kleenex and focus on the 'now'.

We've had lots of fun living in our new house. Our days are different. Rather than spending the majority of our times home or outside exploring the property, we are now living small town life. We walk to parks, aimlessly around town. We walk everywhere daily. But yet just down the road, we have access to the similar nature we left behind.  We've been more incolved in 'community' things as they are just a short walk away on the most part.
When we have a 'rough' moment, we can always go visiting so I can have adult conversation with  a neighbour. It has also enabled me to 'bless' her back by taking her kids for a moment  here and there as she was so willing to help me out for so long with taking the boys here and there when I had a 'work' thing.
Yesterday we walked aimlessly around the neighbourhood collecting leaves for future crafts and enjoying throwing leaves, tromping through leaves, etc.  CO is desperate for a chance to make a jumping pile (not something I am sure if going to happen as we have very few leaves in our yard).
Today starts Pumpkinfest in our little town. We need to get us some pumpkins and do some carvings. I think this afternoon is the 'walk of the pumpkins' where all the local school kids get to bring thier pumpkin downtown to add to the tower for the festivities.

John 15 reminds me that my commandment is to 'love'. So that is what my focus must be. To love the children that I have today. And tomorrow I will do the same.

What's in the Bible?

I discovered these videos in the Spring. They are fun, funny and very interesting. I've learned about the Bible and my kids have too.

http://whatsinthebible.extole.com/a/clk/gKbf1

poor little J

J was very happy to come home this evening. He hugged me tight for a long time and then announced happily that his Nana gave him milk. She doesn't normally, but I wrote in the communication book that the doctor still wanted him on whole milk as he needed the fat since he is so light.

J cried and cried this evening. He said 'too long Nana, Papa, I miss you, I come home'
Poor little J, little does he know that in two weekends he will start being gone three nights instead of two.

no trial...

It seems that there probably won't be a trial now. J is up to two nights & 3 days per week at his grandparents. This is being increased to three nights & four days at the beginning of October. He will probably be living with them full time by the new year.

I am all for bio families first. But seriously this kid has been in care for over two years. His family wasn't on the ball to get him back right away. The judge kept giving them more and more chances and giving them extension after extension to file paperwork to get him back. Now two years later, they are probably getting him back. The only way they won't is if something drastically happens to them that they can't look after him (like a health issue) or they change their mind. In my opinion if a judge tells you to get a lawyer and file a specific piece of paper and gives you three months to submit it to the courts, you file it in the next week or two, you don't show up to court in three months no having done it and then saying you still want him so you get an extension of another three months and the same thing again...if you want you kid you should FIGHT with every part of yourself to get him back ASAP!

I have been preparing CO for the possibility of losing his brother.

J, it is so confusing to him. He LOVES going to his grandparents house because they love him and spoil him as Grandparents should. But at the same time he is starting to object to going because he wants to stay home with CO and myself. He is no longer cheering that it is a Nana & Papa day, instead he is double checking with me when he is coming back. There is a lot of 'I come home soon' and 'I be back Sunday'.

Please pray for everyone's hearts.

a wonderful week...warning lots of photos

For the last two years we have camped at Memorial Beach with my cousin and her family. Both years we have lucked out with great weather. This year being fantastic even though we had occasional bouts of rain.

 

sunset at the beach

our campsite along the beach

Last year we camped in the sights up the hill, this year we choose to camp at a site along the water. What a GREAT decision! We were steps from the beach. The kids lived on the beach. When we arrived there was a odour of algea in the air and the little boys were excited to discover a new 'gooey mud' that was along the edge of the Bay. They scooped, dug and relocated BUCKETS of this smelly mud. Mid week we got a bit of rain and the smelly mud was gone (well mostly gone) but the joy of digging and playing with the sand at the beach was not.  The boys played fromt he moment they had breakfast in thier bellies (well for CO it was after he finished school, I made him to a small amount of reading and math each day), they were dragged up to the trailer at noon to try to get some food into thier tired bodies and then they headed back down after nap time to play some more. The big kids headed out to the beach when they got back from school each afternoon and some nights the boys were brought off the beach after the sun had set. The beach stayed shallow for a long distance so we took the boys out to the two big rocks a few times. They boys collected treasures of shells and rocks.
It was a lovely week. The three little cousins had lots of fun and made lots of memories. (they also fought sometimes but that is to be expected with three little boys who love to dig and play with construction vehicles, when there is three there is usually one who feels he is being left out)

We ended out lovely week with a special trip to the icecream shop with the three little boys, a jump off the pier at the local harbour and a play at the park.

We stopped on the way home at my Uncle's orchard and got to pick a few apples for the trip home...the boys didn't eat many the first part of the trip as this is what they looked like within 10 minutes of our journey home :)

 

 

I am looking forward to next year, maybe we will stay two weeks as we didn't want our wonderful vacation to end.

my baby turned 5!

Today my baby turned 5! I of course missed most of his birthday since I was at work. But I made his cake and planned ahead with my mom that we'd celebrate as a family once I got home. He choose roasted chicken, broccoli and carrots for his birthday dinner. (I was asked what 5 year old chooses broccoli for his birthday dinner??? seems mine)
I swung by a balloon place on the way home, made the babysitter let him keep sleeping so she could wrap the presents, I could finish up the cake, I could tidy the diningroom in preparation for the company and could hang up decorations. My little love was so excited when I did wake him and he came down seeing the balloons.
We had a nice family dinner. He opened his two gifts and headed straight to play with them. His friends arrived and a neighbour boy showed up and we all had cake and icecream. His grandparents Skyped in for the singing and cake :)
The kids all played in the backyard and then everyone was sent home as the tears from being over tired arrived and the little ones needed a bath and thier beds. (J returned home from his grandparents mid dinner and he was his usual overtired self).

CO was happy for his birthday and had his Sunday School class and Junior Church class sing to him. Who knows who else :)
Now my baby is spending his first night asleep as a five year old with his balloons in his room. Right before he fell asleep he mumbled something about how his bedroom looked like a party :)

the special people you come across...

This summer the boys and I spent lots of time at the cottage (pre buying a house that is) and this year the boys met a special man that they refer to as 'Cottage Grandpa'. This man's cottage is a couple of buildings up. When we drive to the cottage they look for his truck when we pass and yell with absolute delight when his truck is there, and are devestated when it is not.
This summer Cottage Grandpa swam with the boys, played with them, he involved them in landscaping, gardening, building when he was doing such things. He took them for bike rides, he listened to thier stories and took delight when they shared thier treasures with him and he kept them in line at the same time in a kind and loving way. This man became very special to them this summer

 

We are thankful for 'Cottage Grandpa!'