our new normal...

So now we are a family of two....how long we will be a family of two I can't say. CAS would like to ensure our period of mourning is over before bringing a child in mourning to us...

I would say we are doing well. We have our sad moments but they are sparse. I cried this weekend during a meeting with my supervisor when he asked me how things were going...he had no idea that was all going on.

This evening there were tears from CO as he really misses his brother. But I know that the tears were spurred also by the fact that it is Sunday (he is always extra emotional as I went to work and left him for a couple of days) and we were late in getting home and settled into bed.

Do we miss Joshua?? of course! We will always in a way because we loved him. We did our job successfully in making him a member of our family while he was with us and that was our goal. To love him for the time he needed us to be his family.

Which is exactly what we will do for the next child that CAS bring to our door. We will love them and treat them like a member of our family for as long as they are with us.

Will it get easier as time goes on...probably not. But will we continue to do it...yes because we are commanded and called to...

*****************

So, we are a family of two these days. That is the only change We are still digging in full force with homeschooling. We are still planning a trip to see family and friends. We are still attending our weekly groups/clubs.

What else is different, I am taking advantage of this time to dive into organizing. Stuff that was neglected because we were focused on our last moments as a family of three being memorable. Stuff that was shoved to the side after moving in because I really didn't have a sport for it in the moment. I am happy to report that the last of the boxes from the move have all found homes.

We are reading...reading to each other these days. I am reading Winnie the Pooh to CO and he is reading BOB books and Fun Tales Books to me. We started a reading journal at the beginning of this year and CO was SO SO SO excited on Friday to discover that he has read 20 books so far.

CO has also mastered the art of whistling. He did a lot of practicing, once he started to get a bit of a noise out, he focused on volume. Now that he has mastered volume, he is focusing on tone.

CO's goals for the upcoming month...tying his shoes.

My goal for the upcoming month, paint the spare room and get it prepared for our next 'for now' family member.

This week we are heading up North to spend time with our dearly loved cousins and family. We are going to spend time learning, playing, and crafting together. There is a plan to go to the plunge and the Purple Platypus.

 (from our camping adventure in September)

our last moments...

our last moments were good.

I admit my world was rocked when I got the phone call saying that he was moving the next day at 11. I totally had my mind set on the 24th and was planning everything around the 24th. Then to be told the 16th that he was moving the 17th, my wall fell. I cried and felt kind of overwhelmed.
Previous to the phone call I was planning a birthday party for him for the 18th.  My brain was all muddled. What to do? My mom came to the rescue and suggested we celebrate at her place and I pick up a cake on the way. So that is what we did. I am glad I ran out with CO on Tuesday evening to select a gift for J. So the birthday party was low key. There wasn't as many people round the table as I had envisioned, but J was SO happy. He was surrounded by people that loved him and he was excited to be 3! The magic 3. He had been waiting for this moment for many months.
For CO's sake, I know sticking to routine will help him through this. So after the celebration we headed off to take CO to Awana (and the plan was for J and I to grocery shop as usual). After dropping CO off, J wouldn't leave? He just kept calling me a meanie. I was puzzled. He likes grocery shopping. So I asked him what was up? And he reminded me that he was three now. He could stay at Awana.
Light bulb moment.
He has been waiting for a LONG time to be old enough to go to Awana. So stay we did. He was SO proud to be taken to his class and participate with them. And it was good. I may have been in desperate need for eggs and other staples. But this was his only chance. And it was good. I got to have a nice long chat with another homeschool mom. I had been wanting to connect with her for a long while. It was good. A good night.
There were tears at bedtime. The boys were told that this 'might' be their last night. We snuggled, read stories. Had big emotions and went to bed.
Me didn't sleep much.

Our morning involved CO taking advantage of his sleeping brother and getting some good playing in of the new birthday toys.
I told CO that for sure J was moving before lunch. I told J that the driver was coming to get him and that he wasn't coming back. Which is hard. He doesn't understand the 'why' of all this. He once again told me I was a 'meanie'. He hid in the bathroom cabinet. He didn't like what I was saying.
We had leftover cake and ice cream for breakfast and all sat snuggling in the living room. There were some big feelings. There was lots of talking. There was watching the Lorax with hugs, kisses and snuggles. (Before breakfast I loaded all J's stuff outside onto the tailgate of my truck)
Once I knew that the social worker was here, I had the boys say their goodbyes inside and I took him out.
It was hard.
CO and I snuggled and cried. Then we took a deep breath and moved on with out day. Grocery shopping, swimming lessons, and home for our much needed naps.

We are good. The boys have some days of adjustment ahead of them. The difference is that CO has someone to validate his feelings, J...not so much.
So the prayers can be for both of the boys...for their days and nights ahead. Having J with us for 20 months was good. Both boys grew a lot and learned about life as a brother.

CO is already dreaming and talking about his new 'for now' brother or sister...

update....

Social worker just called. Moving day is NO longer the 24th. It is now tomorrow at 11am.

UG

Birthday party I had planned for J's 3rd for friday is now canceled!

sucks

sad

Do I tell the boys today or tomorrow??

sniff

what we are reading...

when choosing a curriculum for using with CO, I wanted one that had a big focus on loving to read and loving to learn. I am a firm believer that if you have a passion for reading, you can learn about anything!
My son IS following in my footsteps for a love of books. When tucking him into bed tonight, there were atleast 10 books in his bed :)
For over a year we have been reading Chapter books together. He is always begging for 'one more chapter' when I read at night.
Currently I am reading to him
The Dragons of Blueland which is by Ruth Stiles Gannett. It is the 3rd in the series. We started with My Father's Dragon and then read Elmer and the Dragon.



He got The Dragons of Blueland for Chistmas.

I have been feeling convicted about the amount of tv I watch in the evenings and how it isn't really always up to the moral standing that God wishes me to live by. So, I have decided to spend less time at the tv and more time with my nose in a book.
My fourth book for this year so far is 'there is no me without you' by Melissa Gay Greene. I am just starting it this evening.

I have SO so many books that I own and maybe I have not read all of them to completion, so I guess you could say that was another one of my goals...to read what I own.....

number three

My house may not be the cleanest this week but I have finished my third book so far this month...earth shaking :)



Planet of the Blind by Stephen Kuusisto

From Amazon

"In the country of the blind," the old adage asserts, "the one-eyed man is king." But in Stephen Kuusisto's superb new memoir, The Planet of the Blind, the world of a one-eyed man is a kingdom of confusion and quixotic struggle. Born with only residual vision, one eye capable of 20/200 vision and the other unseeing, Kuusisto was led by the insistence of his mother and the ignorance of the society around him to an elaborate and harrowing attempt to appear sighted. At times the effort was life-threatening, as with the bicycle he rode from the ages of 10 to 30 ("Were my years of cycling an actuarial gift?" he wonders), and at other times profoundly humiliating, as when his stumblings and collisions are assumed to be signs of habitual drunkenness. Indeed, the almost inconceivable effort of maintaining his sighted masquerade leads to all sorts of self-destructive behavior, from obesity to anorexia, from booze and cigarettes to drugs and perilous clambers up fire escapes. Most biography is a recounting of struggle that leads to success and achievement, but Kuusisto's story is of a lifelong struggle that leads to acceptance. For this gifted poet, the barely glimpsed visual world is an irresistible temptation, despite pain, embarrassment, and failure. When he finally submits to the white cane and a guide dog, suddenly he can envision a "Planet of the Blind," a place where those without sight live in peace with their own lives, where "everyone is free to touch faces, paintings, gardens," a place where beauty is behind the eye of the beholder. --John Longenbaugh

 

update...

Well the judge read the paperwork yesterday and....wants more. Next court is the 24th (two days after his 3rd birthday) so as long as the paperwork is submitted on time and not procrastinated on...J will be picked up late on the 24th by the SW and moved to go live with his grandparents.
The SW came today. She is going to find out exactly what this 'more paperwork' is that the judge wants but she thinks it has to do with access with bio mom.

SO

two more weeks

I am torn, because it is so hard on both the boys for J to be only with us three days a week. It is hard for him to transition from his two so totally different worlds. It is hard on CO because we are all in limbo.

It is a pain to have to retrain J every week to use manners, to feed himself, to not use certain 'not nice' words, to eat, obey, etc. But it is part of the job of foster parenting....which is what I have signed up for...it usually takes 1.5 of the 3 days to get the kinks worked out and my sweet boy back. tiring

It would nice for J to just be settled. Once he is moved, then he will hopefully not have to feel like he is having to choose between all the people that love him. His bio family is often giving him false information about us and it must be confusing for him.

I really hope for his sake that this move is successful...

the unknown...

what if this was the last week that you would be a whole family? what would you do?

It is hard with the unknown hanging over us. On one hand I would LOVE to step in a time machine and return to life before July. Life where there was no possibility that any day I could get a phone call from CAS telling me that today is the day that my son stops being a brother and I stop being a mother of two.
I have determined to live this week like it is our last (even though it isn't a week but only three days)

Last night when he got home, I was ready to call the SW and ask him to pick him up in the morning. I hate that I was in that frame of mind but I had just dealt with over an hour of tears and some nasty things coming out of my little J's mouth that I know is him just spewing out what he hears with his bio family. Things that hurt CO to hear, and that made me into a mama bear wanting to protect my cub from their meanness. These people have never met me. Never met my son or my family, yet they have NO problem filling J's head full of garbage about us.

Today has been a much better day. I explained to J from the moment he got up that there will be NO more talk of certain things. That we were going to all be a family and love each other and only say nice things about each other. I think he understands because no more of the garbage has come out of his mouth today. It must be hard for him to hear them say nasty things about people he considers to be his 'family'.
Today we cuddled more. We danced more. We played more.
We went out for lunch together at our favorite place and had ice cream for dessert.
Tonight I surprised the boys after supper with mini boxes of smarties.
The boys are in a good place. They are able to play, imagine and go on great adventures together. They still have their moments of disagreement where someone acts out their anger, but they are quick to forgive and move on. It is part of being a family. Learning to compromise and get along.
Because of the unknown. I think we might celebrate his birthday early. Maybe on Friday we will invite the neighbours  go swimming. I'll get balloons and bake a cake or cupcakes.
We will celebrate together as the people who love him even though we don't share genes with him.
We will make our last moments be filled with love and good.

October Baby

I just finished reading October Baby





I had heard about it awhile back and had a mental memory that it was something I wanted to read and there is a movie that I wanted to see too. I got the movie for Christmas.

***** great book and movie!

last plea for lessons...

J is desperate for swimming lessons. He has been dragged to watch CO take swimming lessons for over a year and I've been telling him all along that he had to wait until he turned three. This past fall He started anticipating his birthday after Christmas knowing that it meant he could then take lessons too. When I asked his SW last week if I could sign him up, she did not hesitate to say no.
I asked if it was possible to relay to the grandparents J's desire for lessons and have them sign him up. The answer was that there is no indoor pool in thier town and it wouldn't be something they would be interested in doing in the winter as they would have to travel over a half hour to an indoor pool.
So today I gave one last plea on J's behalf for swim lessons. The SW said she would talk to her supervisor. If he moves before the lessons are up, the hope is that he would come and spend Thursdays with us until the lessons are over. Which means that after he moves, contact could continue weekly for a few weeks afterwards...which would be good for everyone I think.

doesn't this boy look ready to swim???

be still my heart...

So after months of knowing that J is moving...talking with the social worker last night, it could be as early as this upcoming week. SIGH
All that we are waiting on is the judge to read the last document submitted, accept it and then order him home.

I'm going to miss this face!

first day - January 2013

first day of the new year...(well the first part as I misplaced my ipod mid afternoon and switched to my camera and have yet to upload the photos from my camera)