how do you explain 'forever' to a small child? How do you tell him that one day very soon he will not be coming back to the only 'life' he has ever known and that he is about to venture into a new chapter of his life? A chapter without a big chunk of the people you have considered to be your 'family' and 'friends' for so long?
In China saying 'goodbye' was either me leaving, babies going into the arms of Jesus or children going into the arms of a 'family' and they were orphans no more. Now...I am not sure I am cut out for this life God has called me to do. To be a foster parent. I just crawled out of my bed because I needed a deal with a dumb dog that was barking as he needed to go out. In my bed I was sandwiched between my two boys. As much as I always said pre-children that I wasn't pro family bed, my boys have not given me much choice. There is such a shuffling of bodies to different beds throughout my nights. J crawls into bed with me practically every night. I put him back some nights only to have him return. I have come to the conclusion that I would rather have them crawl into bed with me and we go back to sleep rather than them call to me, wake me up fully while I comfort them and then crawl into my own bed only to find myself wide awake. CO has been crawling into my bed a lot these days around 4am. He too is struggling with his new future....he is loosing his role as a 'big brother'.
Our hopes that J was staying with us 'forever' have been slowly taken from us these past months. When he was brought to us 1.5 years ago, this was not the game plan. The reality that we are facing was only a slim chance, boy were all the powers that be ever wrong. And there is nothing we can do, nothing they can do. J's social worker until very recently still hoped that J's grandparents would 'see' J and that he was happy where he was and would agree to open adoption. I am not sure that is in them. They are too focused on 'winning J' back from the system.
Right now we have a little boy living in two worlds. Two completely different worlds. The more time he spends in the other world, the more changes I see. He no longer feeds himself, puts on his own shoes. He no longer is quick to help or do what is asked of him. He has
much more troubles not getting what he wants now. His polite requests have changed to demands. It must be hard to go from a world of indulgence to a world of structure.
Sometimes I feel like all my hard work to get him to 'eat' and to 'do for himself' were all in vain. It took a lot of work to motivate this boy to 'do' and be excited to try to accomplish things.
J came to me when I really needed him. For those who don't know CO he is an intense boy. He is 110% ON when he is awake and that can be draining. He is the king of 'strong willed' and his curiosity I thought was going to make me completely grey haired. Right before J came, I had a lot of questions about CO and if he would ever really develop empathy, a conscience or to be able to put someone else's needs ahead of his own. I don't want to make CO seem like a bad kid, he was just intense. He was exposed to crap prenatally and it wired him differently. But J has helped both myself and CO quite a bit. CO learned to be a 'big brother' and what it means to take care of someone else. He doesn't have this downpat 100% but really what 5 year old does?
J was an easy boy to fall in love with. He was 'goofy cute' in the begining and as my mom says he either grew into his ears or we grew used to them. He was a snuggly little baby. A glimpse of 'normal' in my crazy world with CO.
CO heard me on the phone yesterday asking if J would be gone before Christmas. So of course what I explain to him, he tells to J. That forever includes no more us. That J will be leaving this world and all of the people that have grown to love him. CO sometimes will list the people for him...sigh. And J is torn. He LOVES his grandparents. But he also LOVES his 'for now' family. The place he calls 'home' will be no more.
Now I need to end this pity party. I need to stop with the kleenex and focus on the 'now'.
We've had lots of fun living in our new house. Our days are different. Rather than spending the majority of our times home or outside exploring the property, we are now living small town life. We walk to parks, aimlessly around town. We walk everywhere daily. But yet just down the road, we have access to the similar nature we left behind. We've been more incolved in 'community' things as they are just a short walk away on the most part.
When we have a 'rough' moment, we can always go visiting so I can have adult conversation with a neighbour. It has also enabled me to 'bless' her back by taking her kids for a moment here and there as she was so willing to help me out for so long with taking the boys here and there when I had a 'work' thing.
Yesterday we walked aimlessly around the neighbourhood collecting leaves for future crafts and enjoying throwing leaves, tromping through leaves, etc. CO is desperate for a chance to make a jumping pile (not something I am sure if going to happen as we have very few leaves in our yard).
Today starts Pumpkinfest in our little town. We need to get us some pumpkins and do some carvings. I think this afternoon is the 'walk of the pumpkins' where all the local school kids get to bring thier pumpkin downtown to add to the tower for the festivities.
John 15 reminds me that my commandment is to 'love'. So that is what my focus must be. To love the children that I have today. And tomorrow I will do the same.
